I like you. I think this could be something special, I do. But before that can happen I think I have to fix myself up. I like who my soul-spirit is, and I think you may as well; but I don’t like who I am becoming, on the outside where my habits and mannerisms have not been well-tended.
So thank you for bringing to light my weaknesses - without you, and the wish I have to connect with you meaningfully, I may not have noticed in myself these deficits. I will strive to be a better person, for your companionship - not because you have required it of me, but because I am requiring it of myself, so as to be deserving of your honest attentions.
Thank you. For you, I believe I may succeed in bettering myself.
She’s pretty, but proud. Too proud to admit, “yes, I want a boyfriend; I want to fall asleep in someone’s arms, to have someone to call about the little nothings of my day, to look forward to seeing someone who makes me a little bit nervous and a lot happy.”
I hate rejection. And no, I don’t mean by a guy (though that also sucks tremendously. Good thing I don’t ask guys out); I mean rejection by life.
I know it’s self-entitled to have the mentality that I should just get things, but I can’t help feeling snubbed every time I’m passed over for something I applied or tried out for. Even when I didn’t care much about it, it stings to get that notice of rejection, because I know that somewhere someone was thinking, “not good enough.” It’s a shitty feeling. Back-to-back rejections are particularly crippling. At the worst of times, precarious soul that I am, I’ll feel like I should apply for less things so that I get rejected less. But I don’t. Why? Two reasons.
First, in my mind the best way to conquer denied entry is to try many (other) doors. If I apply for a lot of things, my chances of landing some increase; in the meantime, I’ll motivate myself by hoping vindictively that one day, when I’m much more successful, the person/group who rejected me will meet me and be all, “gee, that was a dumb mistake to pass her up.” And I’ll be like, “that’s right, betch,” on the inside while being gracious and awesome on the outside.
Second, I like getting involved in things. It keeps me from getting existential and wondering in retrospect whatever I spent those chunks of my life doing. And I figure that if I plan to do a lot of things, I’m going to have to get rejected by a few, by sheer probability. So I have to suck it up when it happens, and keep going for what I want.
when I’m away from my parents
when I’m away from my phone